Debb's Christian Share Page

 

It's been over a month, since I last wrote in this book. I have suffered with depression, for most of my adult life and since becoming a Christian, one of the worst effects from my depression, is that it robs me, of my relationship with God.

When I get depressed, God seems very far away. God has been good to me, in healing me, of all the causes for my depression. He set me so free in him and I just couldn't understand why, I still suffered with depression. I knew my depression was self-inflicted. God had set me free and kept lifting me up. Each time he lifted me up though, it seemed I would say to myself, 'okay, thank you God you've picked me up and now I'll just do things my own way again.' You may find this hard to believe, but it's actually hard for me to be happy. When I'm happy, I don't know what to do. It feels so strange and so in the end, I always end up doing or thinking something, to bring me down again. I take things to heart very easily and so if I allow it, it doesn't take much to bring me down.

Usually I'm down, for about two weeks the maximum, before God brings me back up again, but not this time. This time it lasted a month and I didn't realize, how far away from God I had become. I knew God was still close to me, somewhere, but boy, I had a concrete slab surrounding my heart and I wasn't letting anyone in.

We have our Church cell group every Wednesday night and a couple of weeks ago, we sat down and began worship and prayer as we normally do. I was singing, but my heart wasn't really in it. About five or so minutes into worship, I felt God. He had some how, managed to break through my barrier and there he was in my heart. It was so unexpected. It seemed like such along time, since I had felt the presence of God and I missed it. The more I felt him, the more I missed him and wanted him back and in the end I burst into tears and started thanking God. I looked up and every one was quiet and concerned. I didn't know what to say, so I just blurted out something like, "Oh, its been so long since I felt God" and I cried even more. I felt embarrassed, because, I didn't know that this was going to happen.

Everyone prayed for me. I told them the struggles I was having. I told them, how God had set me free and yet I continue to live in bondage, instead of freedom. I told them that God had shown me, who I am in him and yet I constantly fight God, instead of working with him. I never seem to be able to do what I know is right and it was a constant battle, for me right now. Someone quoted Rom 7:15 I do not understand what I do; for I don't do what I would like to do, but instead I do what I hate. I knew the passage well and it certainly fit well with me at this time.