Debb's Christian Share Page

 

1. The next thing was recorded in my diary on 1/4/2000. I was feeling down because my ex-husband had not rung me for my birthday. The year before he rang me for another reason, but I knew he acknowledged my Birthday, but not this year. In the end, I decided to go through the Bondage Breaker. My friend had leant me the book and tape to the Seven steps to Freedom in Christ. I started with unforgiveness. It took me 3 days of red swollen eyes from crying for God to reveal all my unforgiveness within me. When finished, I realized that for most of my life I had been living a lie. Such a terrible lie.

My whole existence, how I felt about myself, who I was, everything I believed in was a lie. Jesus revealed to me just who I was in God. I saw myself when I was a child and God said, "You were a precious child to me", then he said, "Nothing that you have done or that has been done to you, has changed how precious you are to me. You are still that precious child to me." Now when I think of myself, instead of hatred and horrible feelings of lies, all I can think is, "I am precious to God". No matter what any one ever says to the contrary again, I know it's a lie, because I know who I am to God. Not only that, but after 20 years of clinging on to my now ex-husband, Jesus helped me to let go of the pain and anger inside me. I was finally free of so much pain, anger and rejection. I got through the other steps like a breeze compared to this one. Then at the end of it I realized what it meant by freedom in Christ.

When I began, I just thought it would mean that maybe, I would stop hurting over my ex-husband and stop having horrible thoughts and feeling towards the person he went off with, but I soon learned that I was wrong. What happened at the end of this was that Jesus did give me my freedom and that there is for now, nothing standing in the way of my relationship with him and I was now free to give my life to Jesus. I had thought I had already done this, but now I knew I'd only given him parts of my life, that I chose him to have. Now it was God and I and the truths were revealed. Was I prepared to give my whole life to Jesus, to let him have full control? I struggled with this for a week. I wanted to, but the thought of letting someone else take control of my life, when I had just received my freedom to begin my own life, to be and do what ever I wanted played on me. I knew it was Jesus who set me free, but to give him my life? The thought of it put so many fears in me. Could I trust him? I felt very insecure, because I knew that whether I liked it or not Jesus had set me free and my life was no longer my own.

The whole week was so different. Every thought I had, I captured and gave to Jesus. My routine changed and I struggled with the changes all week. Then, by the beginning of the next week, it was starting to grow on me and my fears were evaporating. The next night I was sitting at the keyboard learning to play "Amazing Grace" one of my favorite songs, when I realized the great magnitude of what God has done for me. I could hardly believe it, I realized that every day this week and for the rest of my life 'if,' I leave God in