Debb's Christian Share Page

 

I am a 'feelings' person and back then I was totally controlled by my feelings. I found that once I was on my downhill slide into depression, I could not, or did not feel like making myself do anything. I would go by how I felt and if I felt terrible my actions made sure, that I would keep feeling terrible and I would keep on going down. During this whole time, I would be crying to God to bring me back to him because back then, I couldn't and you know, he always did.

My friend and I again started looking for another church for me to go to. I tried several but nothing felt right. I missed the old church and was looking for the same thing here, but I couldn't find it. She kept me going out there looking though. If only she knew what I was thinking at times. Or I'm actually glad she didn't. I had given up looking long before she did. I didn't find a church that I was comfortable with in the 3 months I was living at my friends. It came after I moved, but I will talk about that later.

During these three months, I locked myself away again. I just felt that I couldn't see any one again from my past (my family included) until I was stronger in God and could stand up confidently in him. I knew the day would come when what other people thought of me wouldn't matter any more and that only what God thought would matter. I wasn't there yet, but I believed I would be one day.

During this time, I would write all my prayers, thoughts and experiences down and I am very thankful now that I have done this. One night I was in bed talking to God. The date in my diary was 22/5/99. So, it was 5 months after I became a Christian. Whilst I was talking and praying to God something happened. Through the Holy Spirit I realized that all my own desires and wants for myself meant absolutely nothing. They were worthless. In-fact everything I thought, or did, was worthless unless it was for God and from God. I knew that nothing of this world could be of any value or worth or use to me now or when I die except for the things I did or had that God planned for me. I realized everything that I thought mattered the most, was in-fact absolutely useless and worthless.

I was so tired; I just couldn't stay awake to learn any more, or to even think any more about it and it felt like I was living the book in the Bible about Solomon's wisdom. That's how I felt. It seemed strange and then I fell asleep. When I awoke the next morning it was still on my mind and I told my friend about it. All day it was on my mind and in the end I felt quite terrible. I thought what use was I. I didn't have any at all without God. From this I thought- how could I give-up all my desires and wants and know exactly, what it was, that were my wants and desires and what were from God. I thought maybe, God was going to tell me something of his plans for my life.

I still felt in many ways, that I was living in limbo and I hated limbo. I didn't know why I felt this way, nor was even putting my self through all of this thinking. I just felt that it was happening for a reason and God would show me that reason.